Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

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  A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")

  
  


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  And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

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  Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

  
  


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  Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

  
  


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  A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

  
  

"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Place, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It truly is not merely ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Characteristics

Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

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  A silent atrium the place friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment

  
  


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  A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Regulate set to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

  
  

Area Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-outdated Trump Tower Damascus Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"

The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:

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  34% say "it might stabilize the region"

  
  


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  29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

  
  


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  eighteen% explained "where's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"

  
  

Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is previously attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, which include:

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  A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

  
  


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  The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

  
  


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  And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

  
  

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even include things like:

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  A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances

  
  


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  A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

  
  


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  And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War